Name:anonymous

I'll try to be succinct.  I've been married for 15 years to my husband and known about his sex addiction for 15 years.  About 4 years ago, I confronted my husband to let him "know that I know".  He came forward to tell me of his struggle.  He was shown porn at age 9 by his uncles.  He compulsively masturbates every day for the past 30 years.  Throughout the years, I've tolerated, forgave and continued with him because we have 4 small children.  Last year, was a turning point for me.  He got "hooked" on steroid use so that he could get more muscle from working out.  Everything he ever does is to the extreme.  He can never approach anything halfway.  He just couldn't work out; but had to use steroids to "enhance" his workout.  Several months later, I again suspected him of texting girls, so I pulled his phone from his hand and demanded to see who he was texting.  Enraged from the steriods, he slammed the phone in my eye and cut me deeply....  all in front of my 4 children.  (This was last year in October 2009)  He blamed me for weeks that it was my fault that it happened.  Never said he was sorry, just went about mad and stayed out more every night.  Several months later, he asked me to look at his private parts, because he had a rash and was afraid it was HIV.  Then he confessed that he had paid for sex; but used a condom.  (Up until this point, I really thought it was just phone sex!)  It was at this point that he confessed and asked me to help him through this and he would do anything to get help.  He asked me to go with him to get an HIV test and if it came back negative, he swore he would change his life completely.  Tests, came back negative, and two weeks later he was back to his old self of having phone sex.  The more I begged him to talk to me about it, the more I begged him to seek help, the further he withdrew from me.   Then he started going out to strip clubs, bikini bars every day and twice a day (something he never did up until this point).  Then one night, I caught him on the phone late at night.  I grabbed the phone and hid the phone.  The next morning, I read all the texts between him and another woman, telling her he loved her, wanted to take care of her, never felt like this before......).  I confronted him, but he closed up and withdrew even further.  He didn't have the decency to explain anything to me.  I called the number and talked to the girl.  She was a stripper at a strip club and he was a customer.  She told me he had spent $500 on a VIP pass.   Of course, she didn't know we were married.  He had been pursuing her for months by taking her to lunch during the day and visiting her at her work and leaving when he knew I would be home for work.  I told her he was married and she apologized.  She mentioned several of my  husband's friends names and even my brother in law's name.  My husband had been bragging to anyone that would listen, that "she was his girlfriend!".  People that he and I both knew, he would introduce her to them.    After years of forgiving, I cannot forgive this.  Everything up to this point I had "rationalized" that it was anonymous sex.  But she wasn't.  He pursued her and introduced her to people we knew.  Every day since this past May, it makes me sick.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don'tthink of that.  I approached him with this again in June and he assured me he wasn't seeing her anymore.  To make matters worse, we live right behind a newly established strip club.  The strip club where she worked.  I have never hated him as much as I do now.  But I stay because we have children under the age of 12.  I stay because I don't want my children financially impacted.  I stay...  But every night I pray that he dies.  And I envision "freedom" at that point.  It is then that my tears would not be tears of sadness but of happiness...freedom.  I pray and I wish that he would get in a car accident or something.  Every day I wish he were dead.  It is where I am now....and I need help to cope with this.