As you may have read, I am spending this Christmas south of the equator, far from rainy Seattle and nearly all family and friends. I am in Brazil visiting a family member who makes his permanent home here, as well as writing, and taking a much needed break. What most of you don't know is that I took this break for several reasons, including an attempt to regain my health after a long battle with a chronic illness, and a time apart to heal my heart following the breakup of my marriage. Like many of you, this addiction has finally cost me the most important relationship in my life. Our divorce became final in October, just over eight weeks ago.

I now know firsthand how painful it is to watch and feel a marriage you treasure being slowly eaten away by the secrecy, entitlement, and emotional cut off that sexual addiction generates. These are qualities that kill emotional intimacy and the spiritual connection that nurtures a couple’s friendship, as well as the deep emotional bond a healthy marriage requires. Though I never thought I could endure the pain that came with this loss in my life, I have been astounded by God's amazing love and faithfulness, which have enabled me to not only endure, but to thrive on some levels, during this most painful four years of my life. God has truly been my husband in this time of husbandlessness, just as His word promises us. Prior to passing through the dark valley of this divorce, the concept of God being my husband seemed a bit strange to me; I couldn't really grasp what that scripture actually meant. Now I can honestly say know exactly what it means.

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Discovering His comfort, His ever-present nearness, and the moment by moment signs and signals that He is leading and sustaining me has been a priceless treasure, one that I may have missed, had I not so desperately needed His husbandry. Like the woman who, in desperation, reached through the crush of the crowd and touched the hem of Jesus' garment, I too, desperately needed to feel His presence in a way I had never felt it before.

Why hadn’t I felt His all-enveloping nearness prior to this loss? I had certainly known other heartaches before to this most recent one. Perhaps it was because I so treasured the bond my husband and I shared that I had missed out on God’s husbandry. Or maybe because I valued my inner-strength and self-determination so highly that it took experiencing the bleak emptiness that comes with the loss of life-long dreams and love to reach a new awareness of God’s presence in my life. I don’t know. What I do know is that He didn’t turn away when I reached out for Him. Nor did He condemn me for my once-again singleness. He was simply there, revealing His presence and guidance in both the silent spaces that filled my now empty home, and through the voices of friends and loved ones that continue to minister in my life.

And He remains constantly ever-present. His nearness encourages me as I move through each day, never knowing what may come with each new sunrise. Though I would never choose the loss of love and companionship that comes with losing what was once a wonderful marriage, I can now say I am grateful for having experienced the desperation that led to an intimacy with my heavenly Father that I had missed before this painful loss.

It is my prayer for you that if your heart is broken and heavy from the pain that sexual addiction has brought into your life, that you too will find that heartache fuels a new desperation for the One and only Husband who will never let you down. I encourage you to reach out and grab hold of the hem of His garment, and then allow Him to draw you close to His side. There you'll find safety, comfort, peace, and joy, even as your tears flow and your heart grieves. At His side you will experience His steadfast love as you move through your season of grieving and healing. And in time, you will experience the hope that only He can give as He leads you into the future and hope He has planned for, His priceless daughter.

Whether you are still married, or once again single, may your gift this Christmas, and for all the Christmases to come, be the eternal knowledge that you are loved unendingly by the only One who will never hurt you or leave you, no matter what your appearance or age. May this and every New Year be filled with peace and joy as you rest securely in Him, knowing you are never alone and abandoned.